Back in the saddle.

Wow, where the heck have I been?

Well since it has been almost 2 years since I have posted, I guess now is a good time to catch-up…

I have put on a whole bunch of weight, became a COMPLETE couch potato (serious, “my” cushion almost has an indent) had a gorgeous baby, quit my dispatching job, moved houses, my kids are now almost in 2nd grade, went short & blonde, then long and brunette to short and brunette.

I am now starting to near the last year of  my 20′s and I am pretty confident that I have not managed to meet a single goal of mine. I wear pajama pants all day and still require my maternity clothes because they are XXL’s…I desperately need new clothes to go on interviews since I will be entering the job force once again pretty soon but I hate the idea of buying super huge clothes that (in my head) I won’t fit into when I “lose all this weight”… I realized that I am one of “those” people – that has a serious binging problem…or I guess you could say that I have finally come to terms with it.

I can’t bear to start any new plans because I feel like such a phony. I have started a million ‘new’ days and ideas and diet plans. I’m over it. I’m over myself. I understand that I am steadily killing myself day by day – between the extra 130lbs I have hanging on my body, the terribly unhealthy food I feed myself and the endless quantities of Zero Calorie soda – I am rotting from the inside out. It is hard to get up from the floor, I am incredibly sore even when I am just waking up and I am so-so-so-so petrified of another kid from my children’s school saying something or making fun of them because their mom is fat. That is my number 1 fear. But I said that was my number 1 fear when I started back with Weight Watchers at the end of this past winter…and I’m 2lbs heavier than I was then. I am just so sick of the high momentum starts followed up by the horrendous crash and burn finishes.

As I sit here, two bunches of oranges sit off to the side of my laptop on my dining room table and they are staring at me. They remind me of the 563 times I have told myself that I am going to juice them through my Jack Lalanne juicer that sits on my counter top. The oranges, however, haven’t even been touched because I procrasinate the shit out of my life. I will do EVERYTHING tomorrow. I will eat better tomorrow, I will juice something tomorrow, I will quit drinking soda tomorrow, I will make up a healthy menu for myself tomorrow, I will clean tomorrow. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow. But when tomorrow becomes today, I suddenly have a million other things to do. And by that I mean sit on the couch and watch TV…or play with my Droid phone in the same routine…Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Email.  Then check my favorite blogs for recent posts. Every single day, everything the same. I used the ” I am frumpy and do nothing all day and wear these black Old Navy lounge pants all day because I just had a baby” excuse. I still do. Until the other day when I realized, “Holy shit, I had this kid 6 months ago and I just because ‘That girl’ who will be using the baby weight card at her Kindergarten Graduation!!”

I just can’t anymore. I can’t put myself through this. If you don’t like something, change it. Slow changes will turn into habits that will eventually show results which will eventually turn into goals accomplished.

My long-term goal is to lose 132lbs.

I will succeed by eating a healthy diet, low in red meats, super high in fruits and veggies, as well as being active – whether that be daily walks or taking up running and running a marathon or becoming a yogini.

Nothing will be off limits and I cannot and will not do anything to affect my milk supply because I am still breastfeeding my baby girl and will continue to do so until she is 1 yo.

I will keep up with a “free-home version” of Weight Watchers because it is the best way for me right now to keep track of my food intake and activity points.

I will do this for my kids, myself, my love…because they all deserve a healthy me.

The Struggle.

The struggle. I think we all have dealt with a serious struggle once or twice (or a million) times in our lives. I am definitely trying to navigate my way out of my current struggle. As my mind swirls with half a dozen directions to take this post, I will try to stay on track of what I really, really want to say.

First off, I realized over the past month or two that blogging really does make me feel better…more connected with my mind, body & soul. Writing a post for me is like have a lunch and long talk with a best girlfriend. I have lost my way with blogging, working out, 5k training and eating right and I don’t think I have ever been so….how do I put it? Um.

Lost.

I have had two months of “oh tomorrow is a new day, restart, I’ll kick ass tomorrow” days. I have never been more embarassed to be me. I am so unhappy with my body right now and it truly affects every single part of my life.

School started a couple weeks ago and my first class is on the 3rd floor. After my short hike from the parking lot and up 2.5 flights of stairs, I am breathless, tired and sweaty.

I became that girl. Sad smile 

I became the girl I really don’t want to be.

I also struggle with a plan of action. Some people get by with ‘”softening” up the rules and some CAN have take-out or dessert in the house and not go nuts. Some people CAN have ‘just a bite’ or ‘just a few pieces of X,Y or Z’

I am the person who needs rules, guidelines, lists of how-tos and what not to dos. I am not a ‘just a little bit’ girl. I have to be full-blast, gung-ho, in it to win it.

Some may call it too extreme but I call it necessary…and frankly, I don’t care what other people think about my plans or the way I do things. Opinions are great and always welcomed in my life because you never know when a great, wonderful suggestion will pop up but when my concern for what other people think prevents me from being able to function, it is time to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I am taking my life back right now because if I don’t, then my health and well-being will only spin further out of control. How can I take care of everyone else when I cannot take care of myself? And how can I expect anyone to respect me when I cannot love myself enough to respect myself?

I celebrated my 27th birthday about a week ago and it was bittersweet. I am at such a great place in my life as far as some aspects (great boyfriend who is the love of my life, great kids that make me more proud and thankful each day, doing good in school, great family and friends) but then I am absolutely miserable in other parts of my life…

My health is just… horrible.

As a birthday present to myself, I am giving myself this year. This full year from September 6th, 2011 to August 31, 2012.

thoughtful-birthday-gift-ideas-754366

This year will be my year to make my life fabulous. I am taking my life back and I am in control. I am taking control of my health and fitness and that is FINAL.

Fake it ‘til you make it!

I am taking control of this situation here and now, taking the bull by the horns and running like the wind.

My first step was decided on my ride home from work at midnight.

100_3047

This pretty little thang and I had a date.

It is amazing how the world makes so much more sense when my feet are pressed into that mat.

100_3048

Exercise OnDemand ‘Zen in Your Den’

20 minutes of refocusing and realizing I belong on that mat.

Yoga makes me happy Smile 

100_3049

and this lady rocks.

After I was done ‘zenning in my den’, I grabbed some nice, cold wah-ta (you may call it water) and my computer…

100_3052

took a seat and started typing.

 

My plan is not complete and I don’t think it ever will be…plans are usually ever-changing…especially plans based around health and fitness.

What I have so far:

27th Year Plan

*Absolutely NO take-out, fast food, pit stops…etc. NONE (my #1 weakness!)

*Eliminate alcohol consumption for one month (to kick-start my plan)

*Do at least 20 minutes of yoga/deep stretching daily

*Have at least one salad each day

*Use the crap out of my school’s fitness center (its free!!!)

*Find a race, train for it and rock it’s freaking face off!!!!

I need sleep. <3

Slacker

wlEmoticon-sadsmile.png

I am on the end slope of a seven day stay-cation. I was sure my week off was going to be full of 5k advancement, yoga and fresh, clean eats. Yeah, not so much.   I didn’t run a single day since Monday. I never did any additional workouts, yoga, elliptical. …and my eating has […]

[Continue reading...]

Cover me in ice cream.

wlEmoticon-smile.png

Happy Wednesday! As I am just getting done with my morning workout, I am wondering a few things… Why do planks suck so much? and How can I stay on track with clean eating when living with a less-than-clean-eating guy? or… How do you secretively easily transition the whole house to clean eats? I don’t […]

[Continue reading...]

Put that in your spank bank…

wlEmoticon-winkingsmile.png

or in your workout gear money jar   Whoa, I have been gone too long… most days, I walk around with blog ideas in my head…pictures to take, topics to talk about… funny story (which I may have written about before) last semester, my human development instructor was talking about figuring out what you want […]

[Continue reading...]

$1 can make me Holla!!

stripe_money_jar__18763.jpg

Hey there! I have been plotting my way into getting some new workout clothes. There is nothing like some new cute halters and fitted capris to make my heart go pitter-patter. I talked about my new schedule and the pay cut following the 8 lost hours. I am in the process of figuring out a […]

[Continue reading...]

Teen Mom, Man Nips and Blog Crack

Teen-Mom.jpg

I have always been a reality television sucker. I am not a Bachelor/Bachelorette/Survivor/Idol girl… I am a Real Housewives, Kardashian, Teen Mom girl. Or so I thought I was. For Teen Mom, which was to my understanding supposed to show how hard being a mother at a young age is, has completely gone to sh*t! […]

[Continue reading...]

Changes that lie ahead…

wlEmoticon-smile.png

Last week, I think I posted a little something-something about work that at first, upset me. Then once I thought it over and gave the “change” a chance, I realized that if I ended up getting the “best” option, it would probably work out better than my current situation. Now the change took place and […]

[Continue reading...]

Hot Movie Dates & OMG I did it!!!

Optimus-prime-optimus-prime-3309003-1920-1200.jpg

Happy 4th of July to all!!!   Whew, it was a LOOOOONG weekend at work! I missed my kids, we were super busy and my tushie and legs stayed pretty sore after Friday’s Lunges. Due to the soreness, I took Saturday and Sunday off… I did not have 5k training until Monday (Today) anyways and […]

[Continue reading...]

Follow Your Gut

wlEmoticon-smile.png

  Some days, you have to follow your gut. Correction, you should always follow your gut. Friday was my 3rd 5k training day…it is also a work day so I woke up at 4:00 am. Plan: 4:00 wake up and yawn, a lot. 4:10 – 4:35 run/walk 4:35 leg work rest of the morning before […]

[Continue reading...]
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.