Wow, where the heck have I been?
Well since it has been almost 2 years since I have posted, I guess now is a good time to catch-up…
I have put on a whole bunch of weight, became a COMPLETE couch potato (serious, “my” cushion almost has an indent) had a gorgeous baby, quit my dispatching job, moved houses, my kids are now almost in 2nd grade, went short & blonde, then long and brunette to short and brunette.
I am now starting to near the last year of my 20’s and I am pretty confident that I have not managed to meet a single goal of mine. I wear pajama pants all day and still require my maternity clothes because they are XXL’s…I desperately need new clothes to go on interviews since I will be entering the job force once again pretty soon but I hate the idea of buying super huge clothes that (in my head) I won’t fit into when I “lose all this weight”… I realized that I am one of “those” people – that has a serious binging problem…or I guess you could say that I have finally come to terms with it.
I can’t bear to start any new plans because I feel like such a phony. I have started a million ‘new’ days and ideas and diet plans. I’m over it. I’m over myself. I understand that I am steadily killing myself day by day – between the extra 130lbs I have hanging on my body, the terribly unhealthy food I feed myself and the endless quantities of Zero Calorie soda – I am rotting from the inside out. It is hard to get up from the floor, I am incredibly sore even when I am just waking up and I am so-so-so-so petrified of another kid from my children’s school saying something or making fun of them because their mom is fat. That is my number 1 fear. But I said that was my number 1 fear when I started back with Weight Watchers at the end of this past winter…and I’m 2lbs heavier than I was then. I am just so sick of the high momentum starts followed up by the horrendous crash and burn finishes.
As I sit here, two bunches of oranges sit off to the side of my laptop on my dining room table and they are staring at me. They remind me of the 563 times I have told myself that I am going to juice them through my Jack Lalanne juicer that sits on my counter top. The oranges, however, haven’t even been touched because I procrasinate the shit out of my life. I will do EVERYTHING tomorrow. I will eat better tomorrow, I will juice something tomorrow, I will quit drinking soda tomorrow, I will make up a healthy menu for myself tomorrow, I will clean tomorrow. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow. But when tomorrow becomes today, I suddenly have a million other things to do. And by that I mean sit on the couch and watch TV…or play with my Droid phone in the same routine…Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Email. Then check my favorite blogs for recent posts. Every single day, everything the same. I used the ” I am frumpy and do nothing all day and wear these black Old Navy lounge pants all day because I just had a baby” excuse. I still do. Until the other day when I realized, “Holy shit, I had this kid 6 months ago and I just because ‘That girl’ who will be using the baby weight card at her Kindergarten Graduation!!”
I just can’t anymore. I can’t put myself through this. If you don’t like something, change it. Slow changes will turn into habits that will eventually show results which will eventually turn into goals accomplished.
My long-term goal is to lose 132lbs.
I will succeed by eating a healthy diet, low in red meats, super high in fruits and veggies, as well as being active – whether that be daily walks or taking up running and running a marathon or becoming a yogini.
Nothing will be off limits and I cannot and will not do anything to affect my milk supply because I am still breastfeeding my baby girl and will continue to do so until she is 1 yo.
I will keep up with a “free-home version” of Weight Watchers because it is the best way for me right now to keep track of my food intake and activity points.
I will do this for my kids, myself, my love…because they all deserve a healthy me.